More science headlines*

Tiny gene differences make us who we are
Scientists have found a single tiny gene that accounts for variations across human populations including skin colour, height and vulnerability to flattery, according to a new study. The gene, only 2 base pairs long, makes we who us are. Who Us Are! Who Us Are!

Online justice a world first
A person received justice while on the internet, becoming the first ever person to receive justice of any kind in the history of personages. It is not clear what kind of justice the person received, except that it was "sweet."

Spare jawbone grown in gut
An Abu Dhabi man has successfully grown a jawbone in his own stomach. The man, who goes by the nickname 'Gutful', was said to be ecstatic at achieving the world scientific first. When it was pointed out that the jawbone would have to come out somehow, the man tugged at his collar and sweated profusely.

Ah! Why we scratch an itch.
Oh, it brings such blessed relief and now scientists can tell you why. Scratching an itch temporarily shuts off areas in the brain linked with unpleasant feelings and memories. Scientists asked subjects to remember incidents such as coitus interruptus by a parent in law, being caught red-handed doing something naughty, and being dumped entirely unexpectedly and slackly. When an itch was induced by pouring concentrated sulfuric acid on the subject's perinasal cavity, the painful memories were quickly forgotten.

Sleep no escape from a wired world
A man trapped in a 6' by 12' wire cage found that his predicament remained even after waking up from a nap. He was later released by scientists.

New languages evolve in sudden bursts
New languages often evolve quickly, in a sudden burst of new words coined as groups of people strive to describe the world around them, says an international team of researchers. The timespan involved is usually 25 to 35 minutes, while the features of the world that need describing include who is on the cover of celebrity magazines, what's stuck on the bottom of their shoe, and why there is so much entrenched institutional stupidity around.

Mercury delivers the unexpected
Scientists have been astonished by their latest findings about the planet Mercury. It turns out that it doesn't actually exist. Astronomer Dmitri Galiatov tells the story. "All images of Mercury so far have actually been obtained using the same telescope. The cleaning service for the telescope expired back in '67, and they only just recently got round to cleaning it again. When they did, Mercury disappeared! It was actually just a piece of dust or something on the lens. I'm surprised it's taken this long to realise." The finding is a blow to amateur planetary scientists who are already coming to grips with the loss of Pluto as a card carrying planet.

Warmer seas boosted cyclones by 40%
In a survey of British 13-17 year olds, it was found that warmer seas will make cyclones 40% more boosted. The survey also found that a slowed Atlantic current will decrease the average Greenland winter temperature, currently 0 degrees Celsius, by half.

Thick clouds cast shadows over Mars
Thick clouds have made it hard to see the red planet this past week. The clouds, which are mostly of the cumulo nimbus variety, are expected to pass late Thursday. "Man, this really sucks," said planetary scientist Rita Fringberg. "Funnily enough though, I just saw a cloud that really looked like U.S. tennis player Mardy Fish."

Personality-breast cancer link debunked
The idea that a woman's personality traits can make her more prone to breast cancer appears nothing more than a myth, say Dutch researchers. The researchers, who are examining the effects of ritalin on baby alligators, hit back at comments they were ill-qualified to comment on a field with little relation to their own.

*Coopted from ABC Science headlines, with an artful science double half twist with pike.